you know what, i don't have to pretend. I am really not fond of too many people. I used to be this happy, loving- everyone, grinning hippie but what the heck, college is over, i am just not that person anymore. I miss my best friends, i miss being the lovely person i used to be. I still care, but not too much. Too much cynicism has settled in. What i really want is to travel, is to just throw all my clothes into a bag, take off from work and routine and leave, and alone. no, i don't need you. I want the tingling sharp air and the trees and the clear,clear sky and only my head. I thought i could, but i can't. I can't do this.

Our new office is situated on a bustling street, right behind a mosque and beside a dhaba and every afternoon we let go of work as the overpowering fragrance of kebabs grabs us by our nostrils and drags us away. Sometimes I just want to stay back late into the night, reading, scribbling, ideating and going completely blind. Work is nice because I am usually very engrossed, very busy or very bored. When bored I delve into a book and as I hardly have the leisure to do so anymore, I forget the troubles of the real and let the letters wash over me.  I quenched my rum thirst yesterday, it felt so good. But I woke up with a sore mouth and to a sleeping-like-a-baby O and a disgruntled self. Clockwork Orange bathroom, and consequently rushing through traffic like a suicidal mad person .

Happiness is also meeting the mad people in my life, spending Saturdays with the boyfriend, eating a Subway sandwich, sudden midnight cab rides, laughing uncontrollably while watching uncensored footage, reminiscing about college, taking Blacko’s trip and, of course the chic UCB jacket for free free free!

A strange empty hollow has been created, a very pompous, smug, forlorn hollow. 

It has been 12 days. A long cigarette dangling from my lips after lunch is a fancy now, a fancy I am trying to throw into the bin along with the potty cigarette, the post-sex cigarette, the ughh you pissed me off cigarette, the drunk/high cigarette, the bored cigarette, the stressed out between work cigarette, the tea/ adda cigarette, the sitting in a circle-lighting a cigarette cigarette.

I have a solid, well-defined reason to be cranky now.