There's a lump in my throat. I can't help it. I'll miss you so much this festive season, and new year's eve won't be the same without kissing you at midnight and you laughing at the drunk me. Cheesy, but true. :(

"Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
Itry to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune... "
 

A small/gigantic part of me is quite mad. But then, you already knew that, didn't you?


My nose is perpetually cold now, but i am loving this season. It's cold, my blanket is super soft, and the city looks prettier somehow.


Dad is okay and quite nervous I think. He's being super cool, but that night, at around 3 am i caught him fiddling around the kitchen with a saucepan and a pair of scissors. When he saw me standing there, bleary-eyed and astonished, he sheepishly told me: " ei saucepan-er handle ta loose hoye geche" ( the handle of this saucepan is loose and hence the saucepan wobbles). So i asked him: " er, but why are you trying to fix that now? Do you want to make something?" then he grinned at me, said, " No, no, just like that" and went back to sleep. That should explain it!


I was very upset yesterday. i couldn't handle the stress, the uncertainty of everything around me. I know i have to deal with so many things that is being taken care of at the moment, and i know i am an adult now, capable of taking decisions, making plans, executing them and being the support-system of my near and dear ones, but i am a sissy. And i needed one of the two important men in my life to be around me to take care of me when the other one would be at the hospital. but, yeah, things never happen like that. So, i have to bear with the voices inside my head, put on a brave and happy front and be a big girl.

Good news is i am super excited about this. Ideas are buzzing around my head and i can't wait to be a part of The Office. Also, check our twitter page here. Follow us, send in your ideas, be a part of this! =)

made up my mind. yess. nice new experiences should always be welcomed with a giant hug.


Things at home are tense, because Baba is going in for a major surgery, and this Christmas i plan to be with him, maybe watch a movie together like we used to. Nothing beats the warmth you receive from your parents, and my daddy is STRONGEST, so am sure he'll be healthy and happy and beat me at sudoku again. The month he'll be home, i plan to cook and read and get cosy. sounds nice, no? 

=) 

When I went out to look for my head, it was a dangerous experience.


So that happens on a day you make a life-altering decision and a bad cup of tea. 
It's like someone is scraping my insides with a very sharp, pointed object. Rubbishing all that is good, or apparently so.

I understand nothing about anything anymore. Reading Calvino this strange, damp winter morning something inside me broke. 

"What do you mean? Everything's in its place. All is as it should be. Everything is a result of something else. Everything fits in with everything else. We can't see anything absurd or wrong!"

And yes, i am still standing here, quite lost.  different people at different parts of the day, at different parts of the city, in different groups. 

I can scream myself hoarse but if I don't comprehend the state of the mind, I can't blame you. Maybe I am self-absorbed, but aren't we all, aren't you? I apologize for making it miserable and I don't. You'll say it's from too much pot. No, i can dissociate. I should let you go, because we are too young to do this. Or maybe, not equipped enough. 

Maybe the inside of my head is not peaceful. Maybe people are fighting battles over trivial things like a statement. The world's gone wrong, so can we can we can we?

from where i stand now, things look tilted, things look oddly misplaced.

I haven't been nice this year.  Or so a voice tells me. And you, I have wanted to delve inside your twisted little head- you're so hard to figure, y'know?

It drizzled today. Groggily crossing the street, almost slipped .
Nothing falls into place anymore. it's cold now, and as i wrapped the scarf around me tightly, I felt strangely out of focus. i know i might snap. i will snap, probably. I can take the blame, but well, that's inevitable.