" Is there no way out of the mind?"-Sylvia Plath

Kid.

Far away
i lived

With two blossoms for peace.

Running in joy;blowing bubbles,
growing coy.

Pranced the afternoons with Olga Polga,
Floated with the noise.

Sense made no sense.

And I raced on the snails,played with the words.
Sprinkled water on him and turned him into Rain.

I stared.
He stared.
Everyone stared.
The world Stared.
Dirty stairways stared.
the Skin stared.

The days do pass.I wonder.procrastinate.look back.I do not cry.

People all around exist.On a significant other planet.The World shimmers before my eyes and I quite stubbornly refuse to associate.I do not feel the intense sickening pain.This ennui startles me.All the introspection in reality does no good.I play out sequences in my head.Two or three people conversing.laughing.arguing.They walk away.The new side of the world is distinctly novel.different.

I shall stop writing.

I wish I could flee from this blankness.

I am feeling extremely irritated.With everything surrounding me.Encompassing me.My semesters are looming ominously before my eyes.And I do not feel like slogging at all.The drive in me is lost.And I really feel people who think too much about themselves and of themselves will end up nowwhere.With no sunshine.

The film studies project is complete at long last.And it was brilliant.I felt so happy.Our own work.

I am tired.

TIRED.=[

Shout.

Carnage.A live slaughterhouse.And certain people enjoy such mindless destruction of human lives.I really do not care about the nitty-gritty's of this pathetic political system.I don't want to be on any damn side.I do not want to vote for YOU or You.

Democracy-"....is the theory that the common pople know what they want,and deserve to get it good.."Uh?is this democracy under any circumstance?And this capitalist government should change its name for Heaven's sake.I am noone but an apparently confused teen,but whatever is happening now is injustice.And the bandhs are an excuse for more violence:nothing else.Just the clashing of egos of two political parties.Not meant for the benefit of the people.Merely to win sympathy,further divide the population and to win the next election.And yesterday,when certain people were trying to protest silently and peacefully and civilly,they had to be manhandled and arrested.OF course,WE have the power,we just can't help being corrupt and have our own way.And We,the *leaders*??Starched,white punjabis,stupid moronic statements and utter falsehoods told glibly.The state is headed towards what?And industialization is supposed to be a boon.Why does it have to become a curse?Can there be no welfare without bloodshed and utter cruelty??Can we do nothing?

It has become a kind of autocracy.One party wielding absolute power and the other one regarded in poor light and that's sane and normal because the elder sister has bizarre ideas which are in totality,"so-not-constructive."Out of this crisis,one wishes desperately for the emergence of an intelligent,sensitive and sensible opposition,and the emergence of brilliance and not corruption.

I still hope for change.And write.Because I believe:"Probable impossibilities are to be preferred to improbable possibilities."

hmph.

I hate You.And you and You.I think you are disgusting.Please oblige me by going wherever it stinks and wherever you are ignored and despised.If you think you are too big for your shoes why don't you prove it.heh.If u want to prove that am stupid..please come forward and let's have a match of wits.*die,you stinking being.*

........................

Excusez moi.Writer in an extremely bad mood.

The Rickshawallah.

The path was wet.
The smell of musty earth,went inside
With him.
Did'nt you notice the fervent dreams?
His ardour surfaced.
Walking on,never yet meetingthe person..
There was this rawness around him.
He carried another soul in his pocket.
Smiling a crooked,guileless smile,he showed me,
the soggy ten-rupee note.
Delving further,brought out a small,
pink candy glistening inside the sparkling,white cover.

The Earth had never been a better place.

Freedom.

From the black cage,she waved.
A puppy with adorable paws ran;
Into her arms.Cuddling it.She felt.
Alive.

She cooked fish and garnished it with pepper.
She watched the crimson sun going down.
I wish you would tell her a story.
And rock her to sleep.

Struggle.

Two in the night.
Waking up:
I see the shadows creating myriad
Circles on the wall.
Wrestling with one another they mingle
With the tiny rings of smoke.
Thw wine red sky outside.
The nook of your elbow.Confused moments.
It's a battlefield outside;and a huge blank space inside.
Feel like stepping out of the brown shell.
I see in your eyes .......... hurt.
Without even realising,I am raking up old,dry,ancient leaves.

Days.

I have writer's block.I am certain.am absolutely,disgustingly unable to write anything. Dunno how.It's as if the words have become rock-stubborn,pulling back the harder I try to extricate them.The canvas is entirely blank.Are they rebelling?

The festive days are over.Last month was a flurry of events and mundaneity as usual.basically was bekar except for the days when i finally became tired of lazing around and struggled with the term paper on medieval ENglish Romance:quite enjoyed the exploits of the knights and Sir Arthur.Don't mistake me for a nerd though.Shopped.bought cute socks and was delighted with myself for no reason.anticipated the five days.made a lot of weird plans which actually didn't work out.Fell in love with Bertie again(!),quietly.Evaded the poetry discussion.well..it eees inevitable but.Autumn skies lured.Grew restless by the minute.me and Ish sat on the ledge for 80 minutes and sang.over-ate too.HAd terrible moodswings.Fought like a psychotic.I have a very understanding guy who makes me impatient sometimes.The unpredictable weather brought out the snappyness in me.thingsathome-front getting worse.I depreciated myself and I know I am right in doing so.am worse than what I think myself to be.

An amazing day it was the day she arrived in all her glory.Blue skies,and the typical torn bits of clouds.Her eyes glowing,and tilottoma all adorned.Huge ads beside the pandals and the spirit of the restless Rizwanur lurking somewhere near the Todi residence to catch a glimpse of Priyanka.

The six days of endless joy.Of making plans.Of less of pandalhopping,more of standing in the midst of Golpark and making insane conversation.And hogging like hell.Furtive phonecalls at night.Buying old newspapers for five bucks and squatting down for hours interviewing the poor guys on their"weird"interests.hehe.of suddenly staring into space and getting depressed.of again being snappy.Of counting everything before they are conceived and crying.

Missed bhashan.the next few days of utmost laziness.And staying over for weeks at Shreo's and never getting tired of each other.[though we often pretended so.]the photos taken at the Park Street cemetery.Learning how to make wacky things wackier.And bitching at the unearthly[for others]hour of 3:00 A.M!!My kittens have grown up.they are the most adorable creatures on planet.VB's birthday was mindblowing.And the cakes were amazing.though poor D was punched and bruised because I realised that the guys were feeding the poor me generously with a nice innocentlooking piece of cake which was lying on the floor.eww.Sruggling with French.Sameersir is brilliant and he makes us laugh so much that we end up learning something at least.I always screw up my verbs though.taking a break from mushiness.and planning to study which never happens.

There's a nip of winter in the air.The days are getting shorter and am often shivering with people laughing at me.I bunked the photoshoot today.not feeling very well.And I vow I shall write...i just have to.Colours.And black and white melt into each other.I have to pull myself up from the sludge.

And.Yay.My house got painted.I like the smell of fresh paint.My room's blue.I like most the exhaust fan in the little loo of mine.that's such a vibrant shade of blue.

I am complete now.We are a Perfect Circle.In the transcendental sense~whatif'sifwhat's.The poster says there is something inside me.With one eye and a weird smile.My demon.My scar.Healed.But such wounds remain.What is the end of time ofnowwherebeyond?Emptystomach-hallucinations.Fullstop of a F.U.L.L.S.T.O.P. I lie down defeated on the elvenpath.

WEdnesDay

Tired Of being weary

Weary of being innocent.

Just wish this helplessness would cease.

I can see the mountain beyond the gray treetops.

And I can walk for miles in the wet dust.

Just wish this meaningless blur of activity would end.

It's an upside down midday.

And the coffee's gone cold.

My fingertips ache.

To express.

[The real purplesqueness].

Haircut Woes:Bleh!

It's not supposed to be woeful.But.Sheesh.Not only am a poor soul who has always been renowned for her "wild"hair days,but also people promised to butcher me alive if I dared to cut off so much as one strand of my "tresses"!BUt against all odds..I did IT!!!!!!*me patting myself on the back!*I was dreadfully worried about facing the world.However,I stepped out,staring unfocussedly from behind my new fringe.Can't deny I love the way I could hide behind them!Reached home.Dad gave an amazing look of extreme disapproval.Ma frowned and uttered something incoherent but am betting my last 10 rupee note[I have that much at the present moment!*take pity all you sympathetic souls out there!*]that it was anything but a compliment.Anyway.The scenario at college was much betterhehe.*blush*.

• Flipside: Someone told me am lookin babyish.worse:like a little lhasa(!!)
• The fringe is smitten with my eyes and takes every opportunity to get inside its watery depths...bleh!
• for the next two months parents will be perpetually dissatisfied with my very presence!I'll be told I look Horrendous+me being such a fashionista won;t actually help me in the future.
• Bright side:Moi feelin good after the haircut!that's what matters no?Yeah Yeah I know am a narcissist

p.s:those who think am lookin bad leessss don't comment,i want to keep feelin good!

Feeling so helpless.Had two huge slices of bread with loadsa cheese.I adore cheese..its sooo cheesy!*huh- amazingly expressed!*Dunno,if only there were no fetters tied to my feet i would have been by his side *not metaphysically* when he needs me soo much.And that 6feet lanky monster..thinks of noone but himself..ass!Life's not SUCh a horrible place also!And i cannot tell such a thing has happened to R also..as it is he's so upset.But i badly wanted to share.Dunno what is happening all around:people are so sick of themselves it's sickening.I miss you puchkuish..

Have kept my fingers crossed.Have talked for 2 nd 1/2 hours.have giggled endlessly nd talked gibberish!Trying hard to tie together the ends.Have always feared the fraying edges.But I have absolute unshakeable faith.Hope it remains....We both know its impossible to sustain ourselves without each being with the other.so..lets see...

Q SCRAWL?!@#*!??

Time has come that I share stuff which are so incoherent to myself,that I have to search between,above and below my words to find a pinch of meaning!

Questions.Where do they come from?When are they conceived?Is it at that dark moment between truth and reality?Or do they scurry all over the place like black ants scurrying for cover?Is it when emotons run astray and clash violently with conformity?Or is it something petty?How the hell do you define "petty"?What happens when it seems you know what the world looks like and another scarred side of it lie exposed in front of you?When the mundaneity becomes obscure.When your vision blurs.When one morning the sun fails to peek out.when raindrops cross each other at uncanny angles.When you churn inside yourself muddy candyfloss.When you sail upon the waves of longing.When you stare up at the ceiling with aching eyes.When nothingness embraces you.When your heart does a 100 and 500 somersaults.

When you scan those endless rows of black letters and arrive at a moment of euphoric euphoria or despairing despair.When a sudden impulse grabs hold of you and throws you inside a pit.When the When stops.When you start a quest.When you rage,When you feel pain.When you are inside yourself.When questioning does not end in a curve.

Babble.Babble.Fi fO fum!

Jumble.You Mumble.We tremble.3 nd a 1/2 masterpieces have been created.OH.Fuck.HOw Can we deny your existence?Yeah Right as if You are "pwitty*"heheheheh.
Shakespeare created wondrous ambiguity.We cannot.Period.
(If you are thinking am insane you are fucksolutely right!!)

Don't get US wrong[though wE are always wrongly wrong or rightly wrong]No heartbreakin business.Just useless shit which slumbering can help dwindle.

{CURTAINS DOWN}

3 A.M in the morning.

UNDONE.

UH-OH!!

Existence

Jumbled.Shaken.The leaves tremble in anticipation.Anonymity of thought.Cutting yourself off hardly helps.Laughter in the air.Bhelpuri.Wondering at the events.Fairytales(there it goes again!!)The crowded bus rides.The grey roads whipping past in a blur.Unplanned existence.Endless cups of coffee..sharing..a sudden lurch at the pit of your stomach.Moments.Pass.Remembered.Fever.Sneezing..(!)

.........................................

Nothing's wrong in hoping.And I keep doing that,despite knowing things may not work out at all.Morbidity!

Nothing's like I have been expecting.Feelin really low.Thank God,I came to college today..with all the familiar,cheery faces,the entire world seems like a better place.Badly wanted to go to Princeton on saturday..but,well I guess nothing works out the way I want it to!Have to start afresh..am getting a bit too mouldy and weepy for my own likes(jeez!what a brilliant bit of introspection!).The last time I wrote some happy,sunshiny poetry was 8 months back..that too after a severe bout of depression and mopeyness..hehe.Shreo always paints a bright picture of life in front of me..and she really does make a difference.When am with her I tend to forget everything..and we bitch,brood,laugh together so..even fury which threatens to blow away my wits  and the entire morbid aspect of every damn thing kind of disappears!Blogging is becoming a habit and I hope it turns out to be my saviour!Enough said...

Hurt(in 5 fragments)

Pain turned out to be like that elusive

Gossamer wing of the butterfly.

As he woke up.blinded by rage

Muddle asked him to be still.

I wore my best that day-

and rained over him.

.

Clouds came inside the cemented walls,

With pincers.

Night turned into a banshee.

My ears absurdly jigged around,

Trying to find some meaning

Out of the Charade.

.

Rapunzel's long plait

Was wound around my back.

Each part vehementlyopposedtosanity.

Wondrous wonder.Grave Grief.

Black Darkness.

Blind Faith-

The Mark is there to stay.

.

Did I crave for this?

The struggle,the "little pleasures"

Absolution.

My foray into Madness.

Have been crying for centuries..now.

Paint me black.

Free me from the charred honesty.

Lock me inside yourself.

And plead with my bawling soul.

This Guilt will not let me live.

Tainted love;

has to be saved.

Won't you cover up the stripped fairy

With your marauding shawl??

Huh!

Yeah right.more than 24 hours.freezing silence.(without my help).FInished HP.feeling a bit hollow as usual.Well Shopping is therapeutic.(wow!yay!)Got a new pair straight jeans and the fit was just right.Had a bowl full of choco icecream(who's countin the calories!hello!am depressed out here!)Have begun with "The Wicked Women of the Raj"kinda likin it.Tried to take some pictures but I guess bad mood doesn't make a very good photographer!No new poetry..am satiated..

Hallowed.

Am currently halfway through Chapter 18th of the last magical saga.I am a fanatic fan and am deliberately slowing down my normally fast pace of reading coz i want to savour every word..cant believe this is going to be the last time Harry nd ROn nd Hermione wl be muddled and mad like us..last time they'll keep our minds and hearts occupied with the prospect of yet another year at Hogwarts...dunno..am feeling a bit down.

Random Mindfuckery..the bliss of swearing!BLEH!

WHAT MAKES SWEARING SO SPECIAL?NOT THE FACT THAT ALL THAT I/WE USE ARE CLICHES AND ARCHAIC(SP.THE F**K WORD WHICH I ADORE)bUT thAT IT REleasEs sPeCiAl HORMONES (LETS CALL IT :sWEARINSMOOTHULTRACALMNESS..!*!)WHICH SOOTHE OUR FIERY NERVE ENDS.wRINKLES DISAPPEAR AS tHE fROwN DOES!WE DO NOT GET THOSE LINES BEFORE 20!;) !

sWEARING MAKES me --

• hAPPY
• COOL
• SEEMINGLY vALIANT..(HEHE)
• ESTABLISHES OUR AMAZING VOCABULARY
• SWEARING UNDER YOUR BREATH IS EVEN BETTER THAN BLACK COFFEE:THE INSTANT HIGH IS MINDBLOWING..TRY IT.
• [THE WRITER IS BUT INSANE!]

MUSh**!

The Streets of the city illuminated our happiness.The sheer rapture of feeling him beside me,with the strains of guitar still playing inside my head.The rush,the sudden sadness.The feeling of wholeness.Squabbles over nothing.Matching our footsteps with the shiny asphalt road and the greyish but happy rain.The total disregard for any mortal around.Time froze.Lost in your eyes.Back to the sad greyness.Missing every moment when Life and Time stretch out their arms to push us against the wall.The frantic frenzy.Fallen for you yet again.