It is infinitely depressing as to how things change and how they might change. I love the smell taste molecule hair smile. I love every little bit that composes you, makes you so special. I wonder how I am so selfish and unselfish at the same fucken time. It's confusing. Everything that is you, makes me want to want you more. I want you every moment, and I am a little lunatic that way. 

Nothing seems to matter as fury, firmly held in check, threatens to shatter the deceptive calm of your senses. It is only very very ordinary to feel guilty after ravaging any concerned person, or object. 


The more I think about it, the more I do not want to leave, especially because I have this big huge lean mean bug of a reason, and it breaks my heart to even try and wonder about the consequences. I should be clever enough by now so as to completely not submit to nonsensical bullcrap but tragically enough I can never ever be that clever.


Met old friend after ages. Time flew out of the window, as bathed in the neon glow "sensual" (haha) light of her room, we reminisced about idiotic escapades, high school bitches, letters, fights and other such tyrannical things that are so eighteen. (Readers should know that I just stopped myself from scribbling a venomous sentence, ahem, deleted it) So, it was brilliant. Lots of cola float, lots of cigarettes, lots of food, lots of feeding cats happened in between. We have promised to meet soon, as the hiatus was too big the last time. 


I end this post now.

The Bun left for Bombay today. Bitch. Made me sob my heart out. I will miss you a lot, lot, lot. Who'll go to Sudder Street with me, buy those thirty rupee tees off the road, binge on lemon tarts? Also, who will make random noises and sing along with The Moldy Peaches,  and giggle uncontrollably and make the weirdest of discoveries post one joint? Who'll organise and wash hands, and control freaks and what on earth will happen to Wallrush?? Also, idiotic fights and gossip. Come back you idiot, things will be okay, and we'll be on the road again. I love you my mad-bad, pineapple slut. 


=''(

Haha. I was PMS-ing like a bitch. Also, typing last bit of term-paper. Tummy still upside-down. Went and cribbed and sat around at ju today- not bad all in all. Now, in favourite boxers, looking forward to re-read Anne of Ingleside. The weasel-like prof apparently bitched about me in class today, not that I care as I was suffering from cramps and sitting at the poolish canteen, sipping lal chaa. Met favourite curly-headed prof. who warned me about the ill-effects of weather change and asked me not to smoke too much.


have to attend ALL classes from tomorrow. Shite.

I want an insane amount of things and it's only human. Just realised after short, telephonic conversation with friend that term-paper can be submitted day after. Intense joy. Woke up at 3 A.M yesterday to puke, and spent whole day pining for chocopie as the area around my navel throbbed with pain. Tea without milk is blessed. Wallrush happened to be "bigger and badder" as quoted on social networking site by someone i don't know. Hoping Bun keeps her promise and I get to choose whatever I want.

Pining for carnal activity and a few hours with ST in solitude. Only the wretched wolf-like ugly grandma gets in the way. Mean, yes, and right now absolute refusal to be the proverbial "nice girl"

Went out in pitch darkness to buy cigarettes, and happily enough met no curious evening-walking neighbourly face. Only the light from borrowed cellphone, a little-eaten moon in the sky and the regular cries of crickets kept me company.

Time to light another cigarette and visit the loo.

The quintessential pre-winter post.

It's almost wintertime again, and already I have started fantasising about new books to read, lying curled up inside my favourite quilt, in the tangy beautiful winter sun. And I am longing to walk around a lot, dreaming of things which will never happen, and spending afternoons at my favourite third floor, on a favourite pillow.

As I was walking rather languorously towards workplace today, I had a nice little reverie consisting of bits and pieces of childhood winters, sticky bowls of Horlicks, and other things which disappear like those waif-like strands of smoke from a post-lunch cigarette.

I love my city too much to even think of such lazy winters elsewhere, and yet there's a distant, very faraway voice( though am rather suspicious of it) which tells me moving out will be an adventure which is a necessity. This sparks off a series of arguments inside my head, so, I shall refrain from pondering.

I do not, absolutely not, have the world sussed out and my heart does not break over that.

It is the season's fault that I am compulsively dreamy, and dangerously susceptible to mood-swings and seriously scatty, so people, please warn me (if you are around) when am crossing the road, or reaching for the salt tub instead of the sugar tub(when cooking). Also, if you have been talking for over ten minutes, and my eyes glaze over, you know whom to blame. =)

Cheers.

sudden little trip.

when lonesome, eat a lot, and drown in self-pity.

choose your corner, and read your book.

remember Anne, remember fairy-dells and sigh.

yet again, pretend to ignore the world, and suffer.

it's cold in here because everything is unusually quiet and i miss you being far away . everything's a whirlwind and am tired of being everyone's sunny girl am tired of thinking and being anxious. i have crawled inside and now i refuse to budge but i need you come back to me fast it's weird because am not used to this and i need you fast fast.

All Time Dang!

1. So much to know. So much so that I lose track and wander off.

2. I sincerely want everyone to come back. Come back people, and run in circles again.

3. Though I often mention that I am "sick of prioritizing my life keeping you in mind", I end up doing only that.

4. New songs trailing behind me.

5. The trip to the peace house was fabulous( no pictures, sorry, because everyone assumed that everyone was going to carry his or her own camera, and no one did, ofcourse!)

6. The city often overwhelms me.

7. Stranger, take me to Woodstock, please?

College is so despicable, that I thank my lucky stars every morning when I peek into the drab, drab mournful office and catch a glimpse of "the" curly mop.

Heavy.

This is not a good time. All my defenses are falling apart. I am completely, obsessively letting my better senses fly out of the goddamned window. I do not feel like meeting new people. Am suspicious, paranoid, and upset. (i hate myself right now, as i am complaining) All the happiness i felt is just dissipating, all the memories I repressed, they are all coming back. Worst, i feel unwanted. (though it is not true, and please do not think that am a hardcore attention seeker, because am actually talking to myself)

I am giving everyone a hard time, and I am so so sorry.

But worst of all, I am giving myself such a hard time.

Everything will be okay again, right?