Saturday, May 21, 2011

I deleted the last post, because inevitably everything's pointless. I don't know if this too shall pass, and i don't know if I can ever be a ball of happiness radiating positive energy.
All I know is that something has broken. Something major has changed. Turned its back.
It's not that i am enjoying this. But I don't know what to do about it.
I wish to be patient, I wish to start liking myself and others around me.
I wish to talk, mystify, have a ball.
I wish to be brave. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The inside loves drama, the outside detests.
I liked Gigantic for a bit, because of the difference.
Tomorrow is your birthday. I can only sing. As I grow older, your offer so much solace. As i tiptoe over my fears, as i wake up startled from a dream, as i fight existence:

তোমায়     নতুন করেই পাব বলে হারাই ক্ষণে ক্ষণ
ও মোর      ভালোবাসার ধন।
          দেখা দেবে বলে তুমি হও যে অদর্শন,
ও মোর      ভালোবাসার ধন॥
ওগো       তুমি আমার নও আড়ালের,  তুমি আমার চিরকালের--
          ক্ষণকালের লীলার স্রোতে হও যে নিমগন,
ও মোর      ভালোবাসার ধন॥
আমি        তোমায় যখন খুঁজে ফিরি ভয়ে কাঁপে মন--
          প্রেমে আমার ঢেউ লাগে তখন।
তোমার     শেষ নাহি, তাই শূন্য সেজে  শেষ করে দাও আপনাকে যে,
          ওই হাসিরে দেয় ধুয়ে মোর বিরহের রোদন,
ও মোর     ভালোবাসার ধন॥

Monday, May 2, 2011

I was staring at scars some day last week. The woman caught me staring and shot me a glare. I looked away, ashamed.
This new found oldness is comforting, it lulls me to sleep every night. Long before dawn, insects gather at my feet, shadows dance on walls, and unaware, they don't frighten me.
Sometimes, I break the routine, listen to a new song, keep my desk cluttered. Sometimes, I smell your hair differently.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

here all the bombs fade away

Sitting around a candle, trying to form a complete sentence. Or, a headache at 5 in the morning, and we wonder aloud.

I really want to go a-travellin. Thinking how to go about it.
few weeks of bumming around, a routine is alluring right n-ow.

bad trip. bad trip. as the bathroom floor swirled around, and giant droplets hallucinated rainbows.

trying to be okay since then.

if you think i am dissociating, it's true.

When we arrive
Sons and daughters
We'll make our homes on the water
We'll build our walls aluminum
We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon now

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Norwegian Wood gnawed on my insides. It was a beautiful gnawing, i must say.  It was worth the sweet wait.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Roaming the streets at hours beyond sleep, sun high in the sky. Hungry and feeling slightly askew. My summer fringe is shorter, i like it ahaa-n. Would you like a cup of tea, mister?
Today the lane seemed narrower than ever, and i tried talking to a beautiful grey cat, only to be stared at with great disdain. Floated across the asphalt, then, thinking of a heartbreak. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

full

Train rides are an essential aspect of travelling- staring into the vivid sky and across the green, always a blur of darker green.
Revelry often involves an adamant frog and music which throbs steadily into the tremble of the night. Outside, incessant insect-music and tree-conversations. A bohemian man drinks up the beer, staring at stoned young strangers across the thatched bamboo mat, and insists on talking eloquently. Before the fire crackles and shoots tiny star shaped sparkles into the darkness, something slithers behind the circle making my wretched city-heart shiver.
I smile as we stare into faces, half-known, cosy in our familiarity. Quaint wooden uncomfortable bunk beds filled with the scatter of the temporary, the busy. All our dreams mingle in the ritual mess.
Dusk, we sit on a tractor, filled with sand, jiggling chests, shrieks and thick, still, swirls of smoke from the chillum.
A slow trail of rickshaws, almost a caravan, snakes its way through crumbly red lanes into the heart of a closed market. Fireflies, like stars, pulsate everywhere, lighting up dark trees, and the violet sky dances nimbly, slowly, taking its time like a caress.
Bauls sing known songs, and we stare at the half-moon between two branches, startled as someone unknown, faceless lights a cigarette and his contours slowly become visible.
I sleep happily, in another room, and run through the jungle in the middle of the night. We meet a bunch of snarling langurs sitting close together, and a small one on a tree. I think of a languid hour spent in a circular red room, staring at kindred trees, head resting on my bag, and fold the image carefully away for keepsake.
:)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

One, two, three. four

If I have been too presumptuous, I sincerely apologise. Last night was special as I realised how love and hate coexist in different vestibules. I am really sorry if I have hurt you. To put it simply, I think i am finally over this entire mess. but I also want to tell you that once upon a time, ancient as it seems now, I really liked you and considered you to be a friend, and for me, that bond was more special than anything else. (I think the photographs are wonderfully warm, by the way)
Memories are strange, you know, even though you think you have deleted particular depressing blue moments, they suddenly creep up on you and then you can only gasp for breath. 
Right now, what we are doing is more important to me than anything else, and God knows we are working our collective asses off. Yes there are times when we feel that it's not going to happen, we won't be able to do anything, and there'll be no revival whatsoever, but then there are euphoric moments, there are moments after a hard day's work when we sit under our tree, and that huge chunk of hope and happiness engulfs us as we feel, no fuck everyone, this is going to work out, we ARE going to make this happen. And it's so beautiful to see every corner of the country responding to us, and getting ecstatic! I can only feel grateful, cross my fingers and hope not to jinx it. 

As brainscrewed as i am, it felt nice to confess.

"Sweetheart bitterheart now I can't tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are"


....................................................................

as a friend said that day: tooo much dramatixx! :D

Thursday, February 24, 2011

hey hey hey hey.

To much drama happening! haha. but i stand my ground firmly. Anyone can justify anything, like I can say er, that I can talk to people without an actual conversation happening,. like ourminds are speaking over tens and thousands of currents, or suchlike. I can't be vicious after a certain point, extremely stoned right now. And, well, what i have understood is that some people never change, and well, they are not meant to! Such sincere hatred for noone else in this world. you coward, hope an annoying orange nibbles your brain into tiny pieces.

okay, this is going nowhere
love

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Every spring reminds me of the time in school when the tree outside my window started sprouting scarlet flowers, and it was examtime, and always always a bunch of new books from the book fair lying around tempting me to run to the bathroom, sit on the pot for ages and read, read. Or that time when the chhaad in Bijoygarh was ideal for daydreaming, and the cuckoos used to go crazy singing to the tunes inside our heads.
And then stolen hojmi and kaancha aam from Shreo's neighbour, and staying at her house for weeks, and giggling at night over a crush on a class six senior.
Now, there are only  memories, and a tremendous sadness tugs at my throat, and I know the world's all fucked up, it's all strange.