SUGAR

If only I knew all the words uttered by you were false

I wouldn't have been a fool in love. 

but that's the tricky part, right babe?

enough truth

i was never the first thing on your mind -

but you always were.

you gave me all my demons back

turns out you can be completely fine without me by your side

turns out it makes you so happy 

- your dancing glory, your great company

you must have been waiting for this

this life of no-barred happiness

because I was, after all,

 just a chapter you were waiting to close.

wishful thinking

one day, even if it takes me months,
I'm going to make music out of 
this misery

one day, just like you now,
I'll be happy without
the memory of your company.

when will I stop searching for the whys

why couldn't you just end it honestly?
why couldn't you just stay true to us?
why couldn't you just let me move on
with grace?

sarcasm

you chose no-conversation, no-confrontation

over losing me - 

you are such a 

coward

so is your so-called

friend

who'll 

have

your

back

always

because I never did

bitter orange

everything changed once you stepped off that airplane
with your grand plans and your ( real )best friend
you hardly looked back twice
and you blew my head off with a bullet

future

I wanted to be your everything
but turns out you had other plans

best friend

It's sad how you forgot forgo fucked with
everything that was ours
and proved to me that you
never really cared

clearly not

You said I was your home
But you turned me away at the door

hurt

you're the worst thing that could have happened to me
because I don't think I can ever get over you

when you fall in love

you probably have no idea
how much i'm aching for you
you don't even know how much
love there is in my heart for you
that i don't know where to put it all
i know there'll be a day soon
when you'll love again
pour yourself into another
like you did with me
and tell her that you've never seen anyone
more beautiful
and she'll believe you

i just hope you never forget
how i tasted in your mouth
i just hope you can feel me when
you touch her skin
i just hope her sugar
leaves a bitter taste
because you can't forget mine
i just hope with every moan
you remember my touch
i just hope
she's never enough
for you

it's a fool's world

i am trying to tell myself to not be a fool anymore
you're not coming back
you're not getting wiser
you're not getting braver
i am trying to tell myself that you're a fool for letting me go

but then, who am i fooling?

looking away

maybe I had a blindfold on
all this while
that I couldn't see you for what you were
maybe I lied to myself constantly
emphasising your goodness over everything else

regret

I feel like I betrayed myself

For not believing in what my heart told me

As they say, we should always listen

Closely to what our insides are telling us.

never have I ever

Maybe you needed me gone

So you believed

Hurting me enough would do the trick.

It did.

how to

I’ll write till my limbs turn to water

I’ll write till my memories turn to golden dust

I’ll write till I can reclaim my self

I’ll write till my tears stop

I’ll write till the cat & I forget you exist

I’ll write till I can cross our house on my way to work without dying inside

I’ll write till I can shed all my layers.

I’ll write till I can love myself way more than you could have ever loved me.

self respect

You asked me to stay out of your life,

So darling, I am going to do that even if it kills me.

I’m going to stay out of your brand new chapter your brand new sunrise your brand new hair.

And though,

I loved you like there was no tomorrow,

And I smell and ache for you every moment of my day,

I will stay out of your life.

You never did want me back

And my worth is a little more than that.

How would you ever win me back,

when you never really tried? 

You clearly didn’t care,

you left me here to break

Just like you intended to.

You were never ready for sane dialogue.

All you could do was shift the blame.

All you could do was forget everything we stood for.

All you could do was embrace your new found joys, your old best friend

All you could do was discard us 

All you could do was hurt

All you could do was sweep everything under the rug 

and slash me across my face with your words.

I wish there was some way to erase our memories

because everything reminds me of you.

from my dreaded hair to the rickshaw ride to work to the road to home to the lost smell of you on my mattress to our little baby cat so forlorn so true and our playtime and our sleeptime with my hands always curled around your cock for comfort

Don’t give me excuses because you were so afraid - to sit down and share the love, take out the knots, the irrevocable losses we have had with our special place. 

I feel like a fool for building my world around you. 

You’ll not let me be even when I let you go. 

You must be happy now.

sisters

give me my women
with their round glory dimpled skin creased bushy everything
their shadows dark blue or light depending on the night
emotions called or a few hearty whiskies
and laughter oh so much of it
spilling over the surfaces of their beautiful mouths
crass brash sultry simpering sweet loud wide open
hearts.

it’s sad how fighting demons created more  -

what felt like a journey, now feels like a circle -

a vicious teeth baring all engulfing tunnel

of thoughts I thought I conquered a long time ago

and the faith that was mostly missing started growing back

like the stubborn little single dot of a hair inside my skin.

Empty

You moved on to things more important -

as you should have -

greener pastures, lighter moments, 

framers bright and wide.

I could never be enough 

I could never be stronger than you wanted

me to be 

I could never not want more.

My vessel feels empty, my heart heavy

My head a constant blur

I’m still filled with love for you, clinging on to our memories like I clung to you in my sleep.

Blues for you, aged 8

Decked up December came too early

Skipped breakfast in a hurry

Trailed across the street

Filled with stars

In baggy denims

And a heavy heart

Little did you know

What filled your head

A mess of letters

You could never read

I see you traipsing

Dragging your feet

Music in your head

Stories within reach

We deserve the world we made

We arrived at a moment of consensus.

I wanted to go to the rooftop and stare at the evening sky.

Maybe talk to myself and create cloud-characters with a

Long storyline.

You wanted me to stay in and watch TV with you, because you were

Asked to keep an eye on me.

We settled on neither.

When there was chaos inside my tiny brain, because the bedroom door stayed

Shut.

You sat me down and oiled my hair, and tied them into tight plaits.

You asked me – “What do you think they are doing?”

I didn’t reply because there was no way I could.

Mornings melted into doubtful nights.

Questions, and riyaaz, and gruesome make-up on a bland face

Told me nothing I needed to hear.

Everything slowly fell into place,

As I saw them cry and make up,

But no one asked me anything at all.

Undeserved fingers explored what they could,

Asked me to tell no one, no one at all.

I wondered at the strangeness of it all,

As I stared at the painting on the wall,

I wondered at my body’s gall.

Weddings came and went,

I sparkled in my first well-draped saree.

Befitting my age.

He came up to me and spoke

And I responded like anyone else would.

Everything was ok till he landed up at my door

And my mom asked me what else was in store –

She scrubbed me hard, as I raged.

And rubbed the tears off my face.

It was a dream like feeling

But I know it happened

I know so well